I feel like I’ve been swimming toward the shores of no return since time beyond beginning. Especially since these last twelve years of my life have been an unwavering focus on the path.
Devoting myself entirely to the dissolution of my identities, structures, and internal programming, I’ve let everything else fall, but the path.
Following the sunlight of the wisdom teachings, sitting at the feet of the wise and the brave who have gone before me, sending out hales of purification prayers and bowing to the most profound truth.
I shaved my head and sent my long curly locks to a new destiny as wigs for children who had lost theirs due to leukemia and cancer. I left a successful business as a teacher-training facilitator and founder of my body-mind practice behind. I traveled through sacred places and received transmissions from those who have gone beyond. I journeyed deep into the Dharma, and watched everything else crumble into dust while the gifts and challenges beyond my imagination presented themselves.
All the while, holding on to the spiritual practices that I was given that spurred me on to a more in-depth uncovering of self and samsara. At the same time, trusting that at some point, there would be an end to the journey. An arrival at a point of no return, a stepping out of the veiled truth into the sunlight and on to the Absolute’s unshakable shores.
I had begun to wonder if my capability to apply the teachings that would lead me to the other shore was just an overestimation of what was possible for me. I was carrying a significant undertaking on my shoulders while getting weaker and older with every step and already shortly felt crushed under its weight while I stubbornly kept on walking. Further on, I started to slip into the thought train that this might be the way things were going to be from now onward. There was no obvious way out. I had to crawl forward without any light insight.
And as is often the case with such a total and complete process of spiritual undertaking, it doesn’t always make sense to those around us. I couldn’t expect that others would comprehend my intentions nor my sound urge to follow the calling. All I could do was turn with compassion to those who loved me and worried for me as they lost their patience with the constant process of letting go that runs like a red thread through my life. Basking in the grace of the masters that have reached beyond became my rainbow tail to follow. Realizing that doing it my way and my way only was not sufficient enough and never had been. I was ready to surrender to the loving guidance from the force that knows.
Through all and any profound transitions that we undergo in this journey called life, it can be hard to reach through the noise of worldly concerns and samsaric whereabouts. To fully communicate to our loved ones what is going on, and let them know that we are genuinely ok inside of it all.
I had been nearing the crescendo of a massive transformation for years before this undertaking. And my whole being knew that I had to give space to the unfolding that was bursting inside me while being led by the Gurus grace. Arriving at the other shore seemed to be within my reach until it all subsided back into worldly concerns again—a humbling experience for a spiritual warrior who still has the taste of the indescribable on her tongue. The habitual tendencies were so dominant that they override the portal that had been opened. The portal left only a narrow opening left, where a tiny stream of light could seep through the crack. Karma, ignorance, habits, and all the rest that veils the absolute was still in play, and very much so.
A serene passage towards awakening had revealed itself to withdraw again and land in the periphery just outside my reach. A progressive peeling of layers to make way for the strong undercurrents of non-personal transformation begun anew. Becoming enlightenment prone while still a samsaric being in a step by step process is an undertaking that many of us are facing right now. How ever, total transformation doesn’t happen overnight – until it does.
Dying and dying again, being born and being born again, traveling through the different bardos up and down and sideways and back again. Getting the teachings, having a genuine understanding beyond words, and starting all over again and again and again. For how many more times shall we do this? Appreciating this precious human life where we can practice until we drop dead and maybe maybe with the right amount of merits gathered free-fall into whatever was in the end.
Never giving up as His Holiness the Dalai Lama says. Its never too late to follow our hearts, but we have to realize that the clock is ticking. This human life is not forever. Listen—Tik-Tok, tik-tok, tik-tok. We are wasting our precious opportunity. The grains of sand are falling to the bottom of the hourglass. Let’s not waste our chances to awaken to our full potential anymore. Let’s ride the waves of a deeper calling and follow our hearts into the abyss. Lets free fall. Let’s go to the other shore of no return.
I pray that where I’ve been and what I’ve come through may serve as an inspiration and a warning to you and that whoever is ready to hear the urgent call to action for prioritizing your awakening will listen to that roaring call.
We have work to do, and yes, we can do this, so let’s get to it!